Currently Strange and Beautiful By Aqualung see related

& youll realize that you love me.

I feel strangely alive this month, for the first time in four years. I don't know if I've mentioned that yet, but it's true.

I was talking to my friend Chris the other evening (thanks to Facebook), and this is an edited version of my letter to him.

Dad and I listen to talk radio on the way to work every morning, and I can't remember who the preacher was the other day, but I really listened to what he had to say. He was talking about the 'Spirit of Fear', and that verse - you know, 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (that's the King James version, and I never say this, but I think it's the best - and how I remember it clearest). And it really clicked. He said, 'Worry is not just something we shouldn't do. Worry is a sin.' He talked about Matthew 6:34: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." The preacher said,

"Don't say 'I'm afraid.' You're not afraid. You FEEL FEAR. You say, 'I'm cold' when you're really not - your body is roughly 98 degrees, but you FEEL COLD. The room is cold - you're not.

"Fear is not an emotion. Fear is a spiritual attack. It's a stronghold that gets on your life and discourages you from doing what you ought to do and encourages you to do what you ought not do. Next time you feel fear, you can say, I'M NOT AFRAID. I belong to Jesus. I feel fear, but I'm not afraid, because I belong to Jesus."

It made so much sense to me, even though I'd heard that verse before, it struck me anew. And it really, truly hit me. 'Wow. God's got it taken care of. He's got it figured out. I don't have to have an upset stomach and heart pain just because I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.' I'm twenty years old, I graduated three years ago, and I still don't know. But I'm just now at the place where I'm done crying over it. I'm done feeling like a failure. I'm done comparing my life to others' lives. It's crap. All it does is make me feel sick and make me regret decisions I've made. What's done is done. All we've got is right now.

To that I say: Read this verse. Hold onto it. Write it on your mirror. Write it in your notebooks. Write it on your arm. Make a poster out of it. Get it in your head - AND your heart.

Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

As far as singleness goes, I will tell you that I am just now starting to actually enjoy mine, after four years of no crushes [well, attainable crushes. celebrity/singer crushes do not count!], mutual-likes, casual dates, or serious relationships. Pure singleness for four freakin' years. Actually, four and a half. My fifth singleversary is August 22, 2010! :] And you know what? It really bothers me sometimes. Sometimes I get really sad, and really freaking jealous of my brother and his girlfriend of two years, Klare [whom I adore]. Sometimes I watch chick flicks and cry (or say how stupid they are while secretly wishing they were real) because I want real love, human boy-girl/man-woman love SO BADLY I just want to curl up in a ball and sob. Sometimes I look at the unused pillow next to me and wish I was married and waking up next to someone. I look at babies, and I want one of my own so bad my womb feels empty and my heart hurts.

But most days, I'm actually grateful. There is so much I need to work on in my head and heart that bringing another person that close is kind of asking for trouble. And I don't want to pass my problems onto them. I want to be as close to a whole person as I can be before being so closely linked, united as one, with a man. I want to step into God's plan for my life, and follow after Him harder than I ever have, before my one true love comes along. I need Him first - and that's what I've been missing. I get so focused on that physical love that it's like I'm telling Him that He's not enough. How selfish is that, anyway?

I won't say I always feel like He is enough - even with the knowledge that admitting that hurts Him. BUT. I'm really getting to the place for the first time in almost five years that I can say I want God. I want Him, I want His heart, I want Him to know me. I've been mad at Him and scared of Him and bored with Him, but I'm done with that and I want Him. I need Him. Now, I'm not back where I was in River Of Life days, where I would walk up to strangers and pray with them, or preach in school like a loudmouth. But I have a feeling that when I come out of all the mess that River of Life left behind - when all of the dust settles and I'm finally myself, it's going to be better. I'll have a better understanding of the human heart. The one that's been hurt by "Christians" who have no idea what Jesus looks like. I'll be able to pray for them, those who want to die, those who don't want Jesus to touch them, those who want to smack God for being unfair... and I'll be able to say, 'I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I've been there. You don't deserve hell for your questions. You aren't scum just because you are honest, and a big fat ugly mess. I'm one, too. It's okay. Jesus wants you. All of you. Even the ugly stuff.'

Woo, I'm getting off track! Back to singleness.

Yeah, it sucks. Especially if you have someone in mind that you think/feel is THE person, or when you see your friends able to have non-serious relationships just to be in them and wish you knew how to be shallow, or when you see your friends in REALLY serious relationships and you wish you were at the same place in your life.

But guess what, lovie? This comes back to loving where you are. It's a freaking hard place to get to. And I'm not there yet! I'm learning to be content. I'm learning that the love from your family and friends really is a beautiful thing. And guess what else? Being single has so many benefits. You don't have to worry about 'going too far' or sex pressure or any of that physical stuff right now. You can make decisions about your life, and about what you want, without consulting your significant other for their opinion. You can travel. You can look at guys and not have a jealous man threatening to beat them up -- or for the gentlemen, look at the ladies and appreciate their beauty and not have some jealous woman smacking you in the face. You can worship God in any way that you choose, without worrying what that person thinks or how they will react. You're free to go where He leads. You aren't tied down. You can love your friends and love your family and enjoy every single moment for exactly what it is - a treasure! 

Lately I have been being romanced by Jesus. I mean, He's been wooing me somethin' fierce. SUNSETS. Ugh! And painted trees against gray skies. And STARS. And flowers. And colored shrubs... My amazing friend Molly was at my house the other day for the first time in like, forever. And she said to me, "You know, God had you in mind when He created the earth. That means that, essentially, all the things that you love? He created them just for you." It made me tear up because I know it's true. Just like Jesus would've died for only me, or only you, He created beauty for us to ENJOY. For our hearts to receive the longing whispers from His. Can you fathom that!? I can't. But it's still so good.

How about you, beautiful reader?
If you're single, what's your most favorite part?
If you're in a relationship, what's the best thing about it?

useless appendage for a day.

I was just standing there waiting for orders, as Dad conversed with the high-strung, metrosexual-SantaClaus-lookalike architect, whose most-worked muscles are the ones in his constantly-pursed lips; the bald, eccentric, turkey-necked, supposed womanizer who really has to be a bisexual homeowner - who actually wears underarmour like a shirt (who does that unless they're an athlete or a young teenage boy?); and of course: cigar-smoking, big-blue-eyed, little-boy-faced Joe - Dad's beloved JOEYYYY - who I have a lot more respect for as of late after watching him sweep up after other people. And I am very grateful to him for buying my Yoda statue back from me at full price (even with it missing the nameplate that I lost in the move back to this house; without knowing how much I needed the money -- God knew, though, and He never lets me down).

I had been waiting over an hour as they discussed receptacle placement, bulb wattage, track lighting, stainless steel countertops' reflective powers, the width of plywood and drywall, floor outlets, sculpture lighting, museum-grade cove lights... It made me sort of dizzy, but Dad was getting questions answered so all was well in the end. I just felt my hands itching to help, rather than my person being seen as a useless appendage -- a phantom limb, on a purposeless day. I was hiding in the basement, but then I felt like a creeper, so I came upstairs just in case my assistance may have been necessary.

I ended up helping Joe look for his printer, brought down a runtal box for him (whatever that is?), helped him take stuff off of his gang box so he could open it, fetched Bill (John's partner, not Coleman's partner) a business card of Dad's... it was already almost two in the afternoon at that point. My distinct feeling that not much was going to be physically accomplished came true. But, planning got done, and Paul doesn't mind paying for the extras he's adding, so that's more money for Dad.

It was kind of quiet there today without older-than-my-dad Eric there (the carpenter who looks like a grownup version of Gabriel from the Treehouse - the little boy who told me I had to call him Adorable instead of Handsome -- or was it Handsome instead of Adorable? :D) to yell my name across the building when a question pops in his head or in my defense if he thinks someone is picking on me. Plus, no one had a radio on today, while Eric usually has indie rock blaring so I can hum along shyly with Feist and Vampire Weekend while hammering stubborn staples into submission.

Finally, I was seated on the stairs; listening to the hmms and "Well what about..."s; my back to a cool cement wall; smelling the dank, asbestos-ridden basement air; hoping that a few weeks does not mesothelioma create. I love seeing everything raw and gutted like this - man's feeble creation, in carefully calculated steps. But I can't wait until it's finished and gorgeous - all the hard work made worthwhile.

I could say the same about my life.

I can't wait to see it with my eternal eyes.

LET'S DO THIS!

To make up for Lazy Tuesday, today is going to be Mighty Wednesday.

I got plenty of sleep, but did not sleep in ridiculously late like yesterday, brushed my teeth, and instantly started...

my to-do list:
- wash all kids' school clothes
- edit fanfiction for Danika to proofread (wew!)
- finish washing all the dark clothes
- finish washing all the towels
- clean my horrible, horrible room
- put my mountains of clothes away
- make my bed (haha, this hardly ever gets done)
- organize my desk that used to look nice
- take guitar pictures for Dad
- finish editing new xanga layout
- print six 3.25x3.25 photos for cube
- clean cobwebs outside of window (ew.)

There's more to add, probably, but right now those are my goals.

What are your goals for the day? :]

Currently Bomb in a Birdcage By A Fine Frenzy see related

Hnnnghhh. I slept in way too late since I didn't have to get up for work (it was one of those, get up at 7 with your alarm, decide you don't want to stay up, and wake up to the alarm reading 11:54 and screaming WTF!!! kind of things), went to the bank, got myself a late lunch, picked my siblings up from school, belted out "All I Wanted" by Paramore (their new album, brand new eyes, is completely brilliant)... now I've been home and I haven't done anything productive, even though my room is a freaking mess and I have lots of laundry to do. Whatever. It's one of those stupid days. I'm sorry for the lack of brilliant words, but really, today just equals Señor, and Nataliedee comics.

<3

This is what today feels like:

Mellow.
Grayscale.
Quiet.

I like it very much.