February 10, 2009
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with my hands over my eyes.
Is it really that simple?
The more I analyze my portion of reality, I'm realizing that some people are drawn to me. I don't understand the reason[s?] for it. I just can't see it. I look at myself, inside my heart and on my outward appearance, and I don't see anything particularly amazing. But is that humility, or is it self-deprecation? Can you have one without the other? How do you love yourself, but stay humble enough to realize that you're nothing on your own?
I'm at this place in my life where the book that is living, the one that I've kept closed and locked, is slowly opening again for. Partly because it really wants to, and partly because I'm tugging at the clasp.
I'm trying to understand how other people see me. People who know me, who don't know me. I'm tired of this lackluster portrait that I've painted of myself that I keep in my mind. When I see myself, it's like I have my hands over my eyes and I'm peeking through the cracks of my fingers and squinting. It's distorted. It isn't truth. I'm tired of self-protection and living in this tiny box where nothing hurts. The truth is, nothing feels good either. There isn't any joy in a glass square full of my own carbon dioxide. I'm breathing but that's about it. I want to know what God sees - the good and the bad. I want to know what others truly and honestly see: the good, the bad, the neutral thought.
I don't want to seem like I'm desperate for attention because I'm really not. In fact, most of the time, I don't believe I'm worth attention. I'm not saying this because I'm one of those girls who will post pictures of herself that she says are ugly just so people will say how beautiful she is. I never have been. But I think it's time I asked for what I need, rather than sit back and wish that I had the courage to receive it.
I need someone to be unafraid to tell me what they think of me.
I need more than just one person to tell me the truth about myself.
My opinion can't be the only one that I consider when it comes to who I am -- that is not only vanity, it's stupidity.
If you're willing, tell me. Tell me the whole truth. Tell me everything that you see. Take your time. Choose your words. Be real with me. Even if you feel awkward or stupid or worried about my feelings - ignore all that. I need this, so I'm asking for it.
Comments (3)
We can love ourselves because we are loved, wholy and completely. The love and respect for ourselves does not come from merit because of our good deeds or great works, but from the love that is instilled in our hearts through our faith. Does this make sense?
I need someone to be unafraid to tell me what they think of me.
I need more than just one person to tell me the truth about myself.
My opinion can't be the only one that I consider when it comes to who I am -- that is not only vanity, it's stupidity. --- I agree with this. We need community, people need people, we need relationships and sometimes the truth hurts, but the truth helps us grow.
<3
I like your edit, a lot. I do know exactly what you mean when you say that the love we need is sometimes hard to believe in the heart, to feel. I've found over the years that as wonderful and intense as feelings can be, they cannot be relied upon for the things we need vitally. That can only come from the Truth, the hard Truth, the real Truth. It sounds like you've got a good grasp on where you are and where you need to go. I can assure you, taking off your mask and letting the hurt, pain, shame fall on you will eventually be the most liberating experience you can imagine. Painful, yes. Extremely worth it, absolutely.
One of my favorite bands, The War (Starting Tuesday), sings a song called Armies and Nations. You should listen to it, but one of my favorite lines says: It's not 'till you're broken that you can begin. These words are so true. Let them resonate in your mind and maybe bring some air to your little glass box. You're on my mind and in my prayers.
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