January 26, 2010

  • the struggle.

    I'm running out of ways to make you see
    I want you to stay here beside Me.

    I'm fighting with Him today.
    I'm angry because my mother has been hurting,
    and I'm angry because I've been hurting for years, too.

    I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am;
    so just tell Me today and take My hand.

    I'm hiding inside of myself.
    I'm tired of running. I'm tired of struggling.
    Go away, go away. I'm tired of You.

    Please take My hand.
    Please take My hand.

    I still feel happy sometimes.
    I'm not dead yet.
    Most days, I'm hopeful for the future.
    But what about right now?
    I don't feel You, anymore.
    Talk to me, please. Please?

    Just say yes!
    Just say there's nothing holding you back.
    It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind --
    only Love

    I miss You.
    I miss waking up, and taking You in my lungs.
    Feeling You in my veins; deep in my guts.
    Walking with You guiding my steps.
    Being strong because You were my strength.
    When did I stop seeing You for who You are?

    It's so simple, and you know it is.
    (You know it is.)

    Knowing it is doesn't make my heart feel it.
    Knowing isn't moving in it.
    I miss when You were my voice,
    and Your love filled my heart and overflowed.
    I miss the joy. The belonging.
    You were everything.
    Why did I run so far away in the wrong direction?
    I'm afraid of You.
    I don't want to answer to You.
    Your way brings pain, and my way is numb.
    It's quiet. Motionless. Cold. Empty as a tomb.
    But God, is it so safe.

    We can't be to and fro like this
    All our lives.

    Can I sing it back?
    My voice might shake.
    My throat may go dry.
    I may let out a sour note.

    You're the only way to me --
    the path is clear.

    I can't do this!
    I can't go back there.
    I can't be that Dani anymore.
    She died that August.
    She doesn't exist.
    I don't know how to be her anymore.

    What do I have to say to you?

    Say whatever You want.
    As long as You say it loud enough for me to hear,
    for me to be positive it's Your voice.
    I don't want to question.
    I miss being sure.
    Help me.
    What do I do?

    Just say yes!
    Just say there's nothing holding you back.
    It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind,
    only Love...

Comments (3)

  • You're an incredible writer.
    as i read this, it made me think of music. do you ever write songs, little sis?

  • @suchdelicaterain - THANK YOU. :}

    actually, the italicized words are a song by Snow Patrol, the one on my 'currently listening' thing at the top. all of the stuff in the middle was my own words, in reaction to the song.

    I used to try to write songs... I haven't written much. I used to write all the time, and dream of being a writer, but I gave that up years ago. It was kind of a gradual quitting. I haven't felt inspired in a very long time.

  • AH, I only just saw this....i hate that xanga never notifies you of replies to comments :(
    keep dreaming, darling!

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