May 22, 2010

• you probably don't know me well,

  so this won't meant as much to you as it does me. but i have to write it down because today has just been so intensely good that i need it recorded. for the days that are on the opposite end of the spectrum, so i can remember that GREAT days still happen to me. i am not lost. i am not forsaken. and, i can still find joy in little victories.

   

  First off, some information about myself. I am unemployed. I do odd jobs: I babysit, I work with my dad when he has jobs I can help him with, I pet-sit on occasion. (*SIDENOTE* Which I was going to be doing - house-sitting and dog-sitting, that is - for my grandmother this week, but my grandfather got the stomach flu, so they ended up not going on their trip. and she gave me the money she was going to pay me anyway, just because i was willing to help her. i almost cried. ha. you don't know my relationship with my grandmother, and you probably don't WANT to, but let's just say, it meant a lot to me.)

  ANYWAY. Basically, I'm short on cash. And I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Part of me wants to go to college (everyone tells me I had the grades in community college and high school to get the scholarships I need to not get out any student loans... but who knows.), part of me wants to become a teacher's aide, part of me wants to be a secluded-EmilyDickinson-style novelist, and part of me wants to buy a piece of crap van and travel the country to become a musician - even though I can't read or write music, I have a huge voice. And it's a pretty good one, too. Without being haughty, I'll just say I can carry a tune.

  More information? Yeah, whether you want it or not, here goes... Ever since the ugly August I turned 16, I'm fearful of everything. I'm not exaggerating. I hate driving places that are more than fifteen minutes from my house. I struggle with depression and anxiety every day. It holds me back from LIVING.

  But! I'm hoping that is going to change. I'm turning 21 in a couple months, and I'm determined to do some major living this summer. Being ALIVE. Experiencing.

  And on that note, I am going on a road trip with my best friend in the entire world -- which is something we've dreamed of doing for YEARS -- to Indiana, so I can tour her college campus, meet her friends, and we can generally be awesome together. Plus, I seriously need a change of scenery. But what does a road trip need to function... MONEY. That's right, kids. Cold hard cash. Gas is not free, in case you haven't noticed. (And if it is for you, you probably have a ski-mask tan. Sucks to be you.)

  SO, last night, I agreed to drive over an hour away to my aunt's house to help her clean out her garage.

  To be frank, the main motivation was that she offered me money.

  And I got up this morning, and, wouldn't you know it...? hello, monthly gift! nice to see you again.

  And this is 8 o'clock. I don't get up at eight on a Saturday. I just don't do it. I stay up all night, and then sleep in until my siblings run in my room and jump on me because it's after noon. (Can I help it that I have a window that looks like two 8x10's stuck together? It's a basement, I have no idea what time it is.) Besides... I'm a nightowl. Nocturnal to the core. Most of my best inspiration comes in the wee hours. It's just how I'm wired.

  So I'm already like. Screw this, I am going back to bed.

  But I promised my sister that I would take her to the 1-dollar-flip-flops sale at Old Navy this morning, before we went to help our aunt. Which is a half-hour from my house. And I don't drive there, either, like, ever.

  But I did it. I got up, I took some pain meds, I got a shower. I trudged on. I rolled the windows down, blared music, and took my sister shopping. We scored four pairs of flip-flops each, and two pairs for our mom, for ten bucks. It just doesn't get better than that. Serious.

  THEN, we turned on the GPS and drove on the highway (guys, I live in a teeny, back-roads hicktown; three-lane highways make me want to cry with pure stress). With the windows down, again, of course. And Sean Kingston and Rihanna and all kinds of other good stuff blaring. Dancing, and making the people in the cars next to us crack up laughing. (I live for that. Really, I do. I do it at stoplights just to make people's day. Or at least, I like to imagine it does.)

  Got to my aunt's. Saw her garage. And let me tell you what. It was a freaking DISASTER. Stuff was everywhere. You couldn't even walk. My first thought was "holyyy... I am going home." But then I thought, 'nope. I'm here. I'm in with both feet. Let's do this.' So I went into boss mode, and five and a half hours, tons of boxes, trash bags, cat piss, Anberlin and laughter later, you could walk. Bins were lined up neatly, the floor was swept, and it was all ready for my aunt to do the nitpicky organization on her own. It was a beautiful accomplishment, despite my limbs feeling like gelatin.

  I was rewarded for my dedication with Chick-fil-a (which, seriously, if you want me to love you forever, just take me to or bring me some Chick-fil-a. it is my FAVORITE and there isn't one near me.), bingo scratch-offs (which my aunt is famous for giving out at any occasion), and money. I gave my sister more than I was supposed to because she worked really hard and she's twelve and can't get a job yet (even though she wants to). Then, I drove home in the rain (eek!) with my sister asleep and not helping me navigate, and I didn't feel like my heart was going to explode.

  Then I came home and checked my facebook and xanga (hi guys!), and people had commented on something that i wrote that meant a LOT to me. and it was just like, the icing on the cake. I love when people care enough to take the time to write something about something I've written. It makes me feel like I'm being heard. (so, thank you! ♥)

  Today was just, made of win. And I had to share it.

  Now I'm pretty hyper, even though my limbs are still pretty Jello-tastic, so I'm probably going to play some Left 4 Dead like the crazy addict I am. 

  I may start updating this thing more often... God help you all.

  

  • 11:04 pm
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