November 13, 2010

• Dear Future Self,

  

  Right now, you are listening to Charlie Daniels Band (I mean come on. Be proud to be a rebel, 'cause the South's gonna do it again.). A minute ago, it was La Roux, and before that, Justin Bieber -- whom you just decided you like last night, and now your sister won't talk to you even though she loves Lil Wayne. You are a complicated soul, your room is always a mess (you're supposed to be cleaning it right now, and instead you're writing a letter to your older self -- in case you didn't know already, you're a huge procrastinator), laundry tends to pile up, and you're way too loud most of the time. You're trying to write a novel in thirty days, which is going pretty well, all things considered (it's actually kind of interesting so far, if I do say so myself). You're working forty hour weeks chasing 18-24-month old kids around all day, keeping them out of trouble, changing their diapers, cleaning up after them, reading them stories. You love it and even though you haven't found your niche with your coworkers yet, you're doing better -- cut yourself some slack, it hasn't even been 2 months of knowing them, and them knowing you. Your list of friends is small, but you know you could call any one of them at the drop of a hat with a problem or a need or even just news, and they would be there for you and you would do the same for them, because that's what real friendship is.

  You don't talk to God enough, which there's no real excuse for, but you do still thank Him for what you have, and you know where good things in your life come from -- and it isn't your own hands. You're just starting to learn how to let go of selfishness, especially with money (because of worrying you won't have enough if you open up your clenched fists and share it), which is a daunting lesson to tackle. You haven't been obsessing (much) about the fact that you're still very single, even being surrounded by kids all week, which is something that I'm proud of you for. And even though it's hard and weird, you're starting to develop this little thing called your own life. It's good for you, and everyone who loves you will understand and make room for it; but that doesn't mean you need to be fully selfish and ignore everyone else's needs (so, in the recycled words of Ethan Tremblay, 'check yourself, before you wreck yourself').

  You love saving pictures from the internet (especially Tumblr) like a high school girl; you love collages made out of magazine cuttings and said internet pictures (you have a book with Klare, Abbi and Danika just for that, and have talked about getting one with Tiffany); your love for Lynyrd Skynyrd has everything to do with your adoration of the South and nothing to do with a taste for whiskey (which you've never tried) -- and has even leaked into your current novel; your taste in music cannot be nailed down to one word (now it's Vampire Weekend... go figure); you enjoy video games that have to do with shooting zombies (Left 4 Dead 2 is your favorite and this love even inspired ridiculous fanfiction, but the adoration started with Call of Duty's original Nazi Zombies level); you love the first 3 Twilight books and even though you're team Jacob and even though Edward and Bella finally get married in the fourth one you think it's kind of like bad fanfiction instead of a real book but respect Stephenie's right to do whatever she wants with her characters because they are HERS; you collect & save change and get excited when you cash it in at the bank because it's such an accomplishment; you wish you journaled more but can't seem to make the time; your walls are covered in so much random (cork squares with pictures and quotes, bulletin boards with collages, records held up with push pins that match the labels, art, Star Wars and Left 4 Dead 2 posters, drawings, song lyrics and Pokemon drawn on with washable markers, coloring pages) it looks kind of like a really sweet college dorm even though you didn't make it to a four-year college -- life had other plans; you love movies like Princess and the Frog & Enchanted without shame; you love graphic novels, comic books and the superheroes that dwell within -- mainly Batman and X-Men (cough, Wolverine, cough); you still eat like a child - chicken nuggets and fries are your favorite meal in the world and your best dishes you cook are grilled chicken and grilled cheese; you try to be an intellectual and read classic Literature but other than Little Women and Pride and Prejudice, you get kind of bored and feel stupid because of it; you love your Beetle (Chewie!) that you've had since you were sixteen because it's amazing on gas, and freaking adorable, even when it costs you money for parts to fix it; your dad and you still dream about hitting the lotto and starting a huge crazy ministry because that's really your hearts; you love everything about the South and can't wait to move to Tennessee someday, but are trying to love where you are in the meantime...

  Your little sister is really more like your best friend -- you need to work to keep it that way, because she is amazing, and you guys have way too much in common besides just your bloodline; your little brother is growing up too fast and you adore him but you two fight a lot because you're both mouthy jerks sometimes; your twin lives too far away and you miss each other but you guys mail random crap between Indiana and Pennsylvania because that's just how you are; your best friend (the one you never thought you'd keep from high school, who turned out to be a sister to you, whom you could not replace) treats you to Starbucks without letting you get a word in and you guys always say you're gonna hang out for like an hour and end up talking (or hitting Sheetz and McDonald's with her crazy-ass husband) all night because there is so much to be saidyour dad is awesome and helps you save a trillion dollars because he's like a freaking mechanic/handyman/contractor and can fix anything: do not ever freaking forget that, you owe him so much that he won't let you repay (and this includes living in his house rent-free); your mom is another on your very short list of best friends and you treasure her, though I don't think that will really change when you ever get to move out - I think it can only get better because you're honest with each other and know each other better than anyone else, down to what she likes on her corn on the cob; you're doing better keeping your jealousy in check, which is allowing you to have a better relationship with your brother's girlfriend of almost four years whom you adore (and love her sister, too, because they are both amazing people) -- you can't ever listen to "Sexy Chick" without thinking about her because it is the soundtrack of your Christmas shopping tradition together; you're weird and hard to get but the people who do wouldn't have you any other way.

  I'm sure there is a lot more I haven't written down. That's okay. You'll probably remember, I just want you to have a tangible glimpse of who you are, right now, at twenty-one.

  I don't know what you're doing right now with your life as you're reading this. And to be perfectly frank, I don't give a damn. That's up to us. Each day is another step on the path of life, and that's all that it is. You're in your Father's hands. You're growing up, and things are going to change. Let it happen. Be yourself, do the work it takes to repair your apathetic relationship with your savior, work hard, and make amazing memories. Take more pictures: even the little things you love now will make you smile down the road. Recover your love for taking video and editing it -- you'll want that for life now, and your life in the future. Let go of others' opinion of you, something that tends to choke you. Become who you are, who you were made to be. Just LIVE. You're coming out of hiding, and stretching out your wings, and that's a huge step. Don't forget to congratulate yourself. Tiffany is so proud of you (and addicted to your story) that she treated you to Starbucks just because you're sticking to your writing commitments. I mean, that's gotta mean something, right?

  Love the life you have. Stop worrying about what you don't. Chances are, you don't really need it.

  • 12:30 pm
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