If you’re reading this,
I love you.
It doesn’t matter what that word means in context, coming from me, to you.
Even if I don’t know you all that well.

(In fact, if you’re reading this, I’d like to get to know you better.
…in a non-creepy way, of course. ha.)

I just love you. You matter to me.
I want you to understand that you are loved.
By me, yes.
But also by our Father in Heaven,
who created Love and understands its depths far more than I can comprehend.

It’s more than I’ll ever understand,
but I’ll give you what I’ve got.

 

I hope I haven't lost you yet.

I’m done with hiding inside of myself.
I’m done with keeping all of the love I’ve been given locked up tight.

These days, I am a mess, but I’m on the brink of something huge.
I’m having trouble making my emotions known, and sorting my thoughts.

Something I’ve always wanted is to earn my wrinkles.
I want them to be a badge of honor.
No preventative creams or plastic surgery for me.
More like, ‘fuck you, impossible standards of beauty.
I’m not ashamed of these lines in my skin. I’ve lived my life.’

Oh, God.
I want to live.

I want to feel everything I can possibly feel.
I want the sun, the sky, the ground – the soil.
I want love and joy, life and death, chaos and peace, insanity and despair.
But mostly, love.

I want to be a new kind of selfish, a new brand of young and stupid: I want to love without abandon, without fear of disappointment or rejection. I want things to bounce off of me – I don’t want to be crushed so easily. I want to forgive and forget, and see people for what I love inside of them. I want to make mistakes, and not lose my mind because I screw up. I want to have experiences – tons of them. Life experience.

I’m a dandelion seed. Did you know that? Fragile, but so resilient. I can grow anywhere. I’m the one still clinging to the root, long after grubby hands have plucked my fleshy green from life-giving soil and have tried their damnedest to blow the seeds all around.

I want to be real.
I want everything.

I want to sing, and for people to hear my voice – the one You gave me to use, not hide.

I want to write, and let others read my words – the ones You made me to be good with, to know how to assemble and create beauty.

I’m done apologizing.

I’m not sorry I exist.

I’m not sorry for failing by not trying.
I’m not sorry for my weakness, my frailty.
I’m not sorry for being so human.

I’m not sorry for being beyond broken, to the point that I’ve been shattered.

Father, I want my pieces back.
I demand them back!

Show me where I have to go to collect them.
And the ones that were lost to me forever (believe me, I know there are at least a few) – replace them.

I demand wholeness.
I demand life.

I’ve done empty, I’ve done scared.
I’ve done it for five years.
FIVE YEARS.

I’m not going to apologize.
I’ve wasted time.
I’ve grown some even from that.
I’ve fucked up.
I’ve been lazy and afraid.

I’m young. It’s what we do.

I want to be young.
I’m tired of feeling ancient, and feeble.

I am sick of fearing my potential.

It’s this beautiful, bright, daunting, untouchable thing.
I’m terrified of it.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but,
I have immense potential.

And I’m so scared to touch it.

I used to look in that box and be warmed to my feet.
Grounded in what You had for me,
my heart pounding with life for the future in store.
I used to believe in me, in You, in us.

I want need it back.
I have to believe.

I have to touch it.
I have to open that beautiful, scary box,
the one that’s haunted me for so long.

Otherwise, I will never be concrete.
I will never be tangible.

 

Step 1:  Put your music player on shuffle.

Step 2:  Post the first line (unless the first line reveals the song title) from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.

Step 3:  After someone correctly guesses both the artist and song title, put a line through it.

Step 4:  If you like the game, post your own.

(Note:  No googling them to find the answer...)

---

1. you've got your ball, you've got your chain tied to me tight - tie me up again.

2. well, my dog wears a path on the same line.

3. from the west to the east, i have flown to be near you.

4. the autumn leaves so dry and sweet, tell me everything is not broken.

5. all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go.

6. i don't care what you do, i'm getting out.

7. i can't make my own decisions, or make any with precision.

8. i was killed in a shopping cart, turned upside down and left for dead.

9. look at earth from outer space, everyone must find a place.

10. time, time, time, see what's become of me.

11. what's in your head? you gotta believe me somehow.

12. fools in love, are there any other kinds of lovers?

13. the world has turned and left me here, just where i was before you appeared.

14. and this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me.

15. i'm missing your bed, i never sleep.

16. if i were painter, i would paint a memory, if that's the only way for you to be with me.

17. don't tell your secret to anyone, because ideas are vulnerable.

18. you're a falling star, you're the getaway car.

19. love of mine, won't you lay by my side, and rest your weary eyes...?

20. angel wings spread over water worn wishes, guarding the dreams and the things left unsaid

21. i wanna talk tonight, i wanna talk tonight and talk tonight.

22. story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me.

23. eaten by your lover, don't you eat no friend of mine.

24. no one knows the hour, no one knows the day.

25. underground, i'm waiting, just below the crowded avenue.

 

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside Me.

I'm fighting with Him today.
I'm angry because my mother has been hurting,
and I'm angry because I've been hurting for years, too.

I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am;
so just tell Me today and take My hand.

I'm hiding inside of myself.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of struggling.
Go away, go away. I'm tired of You.

Please take My hand.
Please take My hand.

I still feel happy sometimes.
I'm not dead yet.
Most days, I'm hopeful for the future.
But what about right now?
I don't feel You, anymore.
Talk to me, please. Please?

Just say yes!
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind --
only Love

I miss You.
I miss waking up, and taking You in my lungs.
Feeling You in my veins; deep in my guts.
Walking with You guiding my steps.
Being strong because You were my strength.
When did I stop seeing You for who You are?

It's so simple, and you know it is.
(You know it is.)

Knowing it is doesn't make my heart feel it.
Knowing isn't moving in it.
I miss when You were my voice,
and Your love filled my heart and overflowed.
I miss the joy. The belonging.
You were everything.
Why did I run so far away in the wrong direction?
I'm afraid of You.
I don't want to answer to You.
Your way brings pain, and my way is numb.
It's quiet. Motionless. Cold. Empty as a tomb.
But God, is it so safe.

We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives.

Can I sing it back?
My voice might shake.
My throat may go dry.
I may let out a sour note.

You're the only way to me --
the path is clear.

I can't do this!
I can't go back there.
I can't be that Dani anymore.
She died that August.
She doesn't exist.
I don't know how to be her anymore.

What do I have to say to you?

Say whatever You want.
As long as You say it loud enough for me to hear,
for me to be positive it's Your voice.
I don't want to question.
I miss being sure.
Help me.
What do I do?

Just say yes!
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind,
only Love...

 

what band/artist/song/album can you NOT stop listening to right now?
even if there's more than one, do share.

my playlist needs updating.

i want my insides scraped. i want demolished.
i want to be who he wants me to be.
i want to experience everything He wants me to experience.
i want to feel again. i want to live.
i want to be the kind of person He created me to be.
i want His dreams planted in my heart -
and i want to chase them with reckless, helpless, unbridled abandon.

...you are old news.

 

"The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn’t, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there." - Monica Baldwin [thank you, notti_antiquata ]

i want to change this year.
i will be different.
everything is going to change.
even if it hurts, change is better than sitting still forever.

i don't want what i used to have;
i want better.

if that makes me selfish, so be it.
but i won't be lazy.
and i don't cry over what i've lost anymore.

it's gone. it's done.
that half of my book is closed.
it's time to tackle the next twenty years.

i want to look back then and know that i did all that i could.

i'm still young,
& frankly, i'm tired of acting dead.

hello, 2010.
twenty-ten.
two thousand ten.
whichever.
you & i are going to be great friends.
& you're going to be memorable--
scratch that; UNFORGETTABLE.
...even if it hurts.
even if it destroys me.

Today (well, yesterday, technically) was amazing. ha.

I took photos for one of my dear friends from high school, Tiff, of her & her husband's first Christmas together. They really didn't have any pictures together (they didn't make a big deal of the wedding, it was a little, quiet courthouse ceremony) so I took care of that problem. :] It was the most fun I've had creatively in a while.

(all pictures © flash! photography 2009.)

I hope this is a first step into something bigger.

 

I refuse to stay the sad little victim.

I am going to grow, this coming year.
& I think I'm even going to start now.

so here's to singing at the top of our lungs,
opening car doors to let the music spill out
(so we can two-step in the parking lot),
awful self-highlighted hair that's accidentally three different colors,
chasing puppies dressed up like Santa Claus,
and loving whoever is in still in our lives
like we never realized how amazing they were until today.

♥

FIRST, I just want to thank my friend Jordan - first for telling me something I really, truly needed to hear right now, and secondly for reminding me that people do still read this thing sometimes. ;]

So, onward.

I begged my brother for days to put my Christmas lights up. And when he finally did, and I came down to see it, he hadn't plugged them in, and he knocked my tinsel garland down. I was mad. But then I realized the error in that. I asked him for help, I wasn't even here to help him when he did it, and he was doing me a favor.

Then I hooked up the extension cord, and they didn't work.

They didn't work.

 

I wanted to swear and cry and be melodramatic, as usual. It is my MO, after all.

Instead, this time, I took a deep breath, I climbed up on one of the basement ottomans, and I took those broken lights down. And I put the unopened ones, ones I had already bought from last year, in their place. I used the ones I bought this year (the ones I had no idea where to put), to finish edging the entire ceiling.

I did it myself. I stopped whining and waiting for someone else to fix it, and I did it myself.

It was so much more satisfying that way.
After scraping my fingers on the ceiling and the stubborn plastic clips and fighting with the freakin' tinsel garland (now I realize why Ben dropped it and left it - what a pain!) and dropping/breaking a Peanuts ornament I had hung from one of the ceiling tiles that got in my way... I got to put my hands on my hips and sigh proudly, admiring my work.

Yeah, it's a life parallel - a metaphor. Everything is in my eyes. I see parallels and life lessons in everything around me. I know that's probably weird. But whatever. It's part of who I am.

Take it or leave it, sunshine.

 

i'm so ready for 2010.
i'm ready for a new start.

what's so wrong with starting over?
what's so bad about starting from scratch?

bring on the demolition, baby.