screaming twelve days of Christmas with Relient K in the car.
"do you really want four more years of THIS!?"
"...gold boobies!"
"...and you guys, milk the maids --oh, I mean, milk the cows. oops. we can edit that out, honey."
being the four rows of calling birds.
Mr. Dennis & the ladies dancing.
Mr. E & the pipers. ["that was more woman than i ever wanted to encounter."]

i love my dear alma mater.

Didn’t I tell you that I could hear you running out?
Didn’t I find you when I knew you were hiding out?
Didn’t I see you when you thought you’d never stand out?
Didn’t I find you? Didn’t I find you?

current mood: defiant.
current sounds: "love affair" by copeland.
current taste: the faintest hint of Airborne.
current smell: a zinc/ecchinacia tablet. [ironically, i can smell, but i can't taste.]

I was just telling my best friend that my headcold could be worse. "I could have pneumonia at Christmastime like I did when I was ten!" Oh, Lord. You should never, ever say that.

Because then you find out that someone close to your family probably has pneumonia, and you realize that the slight pains in your chest that happen when you sneeze [that you've been ignoring] could be something worse than a headcold.

Then your mother hands you the vitamin bottle, a zinc/ecchinacia/vitamin C tablet that you can't chew or swallow [the stupid thing has to dissolve in your mouth. bleh.], and plops a giant lemon-lime Airborne tablet in a glass of water. "If you want me to help you get better, then I'm going to help you get better!"

And I work with little germ-carrier pigeons [also known as children] for fourish hours tonight. Ew.

Ugh.

I am coming home afterward and going to bed, I can tell you that much.

current mood: amused.
current sounds: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town on ABC Family.
"if you sit on his left knee, don't be stingy! be prepared to pay."
current craving: a big bowl of crunch berries.

The word "stingy" always reminds me of Andy Hailstone, and how he pronounced it "sting-ee". I think it was in English class, which makes it that much more amusing. Furthermore, those lyrics are seriously disturbing.

So, this is what happens when your best friend gets Photoshop, and is also incredibly bored and riddled with insomnia...

Wow. I don't even have anything to add to this post.

current mood: yearning.
current sounds: hope for the hopeless - a fine frenzy. | my brother's big feet clomping across the floor upstairs. | the clicking. always the clicking.
current read: new moon by stephenie meyer (again).

i'm getting a new friend for Christmas.

well, i mean, i'm going to be making payments for it, and end up paying for most of it. but my parents are paying the first payment on it for me, and then helping me partway with the rest -- since i'm working a small-time, part-time job in smalltown pennsylvania. QVC is a wonderful thing, especially when they do easy payments. my present computer has been asking to be replaced by way of its issues, though i didn't really hope for a change until my parents brought it up to me today. part of me is sad that my presents are discussed now instead of being surprises, but i really do need to grow up sometime, i guess. i am so excited. i've always had a hand-me-down whenever dad would get an upgrade [so i've had like two older computers... one of which was so big and heavy i have no idea how it was considered a laptop] which i never thought was unfair, especially since i didn't have to pay for either of them, plus they were in beautiful shape 'cause dad babies his technology. but i mean, a new one. i am truly thrilling over it. and now i'm going to stop talking about it, because i hate hate hate when people go on & on about things they're getting to the point where it sounds like bragging. i don't ever want to brag, it's stupid.

work was decent today. plenty of kids since it was a sunday. i got to help them do crafts since it's the holidays and there are a lot more to choose from because Leslie found cute, simple ideas in a magazine -- i love helping kids with activities. part of me really, really wants to be an el-ed major wherever i end up, whenever i end up there. i've had my setbacks but whatever. my life isn't over just because i haven't gotten two and a half years of college under my belt yet. i'm sick of feeling like a failure just because i'm not doing things the "normal", socially acceptable way.

i don't know what else to write about. no really deep thoughts today. just sort of mental rambling. i can't stop listening to "if i didn't care" by amy adams and lee pace. it hurts me.

p.s. - if you don't see my amazing header font, please click here to download it.

current mood: unhealthily wistful.
current food: the aftertaste of oreos.
current sounds: if I didn't care by amy adams & lee pace, from the miss pettigrew lives for a day soundtrack, since i'm slightly-more-than-slightly in love with lee. |  my brother playing guitar upstairs in his room, right above me. | the obnoxious clicking my keyboard makes when i type.

I miss the days when I was the coolest for having xanga premium. And we shared all the details of our interesting lives with each other -- even though they were spent together. Inside jokes and song lyrics and quotes of the day. Current mood, current song, current thoughts.

Really, I miss being in love with Xanga, and other people reading what I think and finding it important. I guess we all just grow up, against our will.

It snowed today. That made me happy. It was snowman snow, the kind that crunches when you walk on it and packs beneath your shoes. My dad drove me home from work, even thought I'm nineteen and I've driven in snow before -- my mom was panicking because she saw an ambulance, so Dad and I obliged her worries. The scary thing is, they're often spot-on, even if at the time she seems like a total crackpot.

I'm in love with finding music that I've never listened to. I've recently fallen in love with Feist, A Fine Frenzy, Rilo Kiley & Ben Lee. If you have any suggestions -- favorite songs, favorite bands, favorite singers -- please comment & tell me. I'm always up for expanding my musical horizons.

p.s., I will never use the new xanga format. I think it's stupid, and I like my good, simple HTML.

My last post was only one angst-ridden sentence. I decided to be vulnerable and expose just a part of what I've been feeling lately.

And four other people wrote to me and basically said, "hey, me, too."

And it got me thinking.

How comforting is that tiny phrase? I mean, we don't even think about it. Somebody coming out of a theater says, "I really loved that movie." And a person nearby, who has just seen the same one, blurts, "Me, too!" Even if they don't gain a lifelong friendship from the cordial exchange, for a moment, they're reminded that they aren't alone.

That phrase can be something small, like enjoying the same movie. It can also save someone's life. Someone decides to be open and say what they feel, no matter how afraid they are about how it sounds, and the person they are telling looks at them with round eyes and says, "me, too." It happens more than we realize. We may never know.

So I decided to create a blogring.

It probably sounds stupid. But even if nobody joins, it's okay. But I feel like there are a million blogrings for eating disorders and stuff like that when not everybody has that issue. I think sometimes we feel lonely, even though we know in our heads that people love us. Maybe we don't. Maybe we really are alone. Who cares. Those feelings matter. It isn't 'emo' or stupid to try to describe how you feel. Even if it's "the future scares the hell out of me" or "I have no plans and no ambition".

You never know who feels the same way.

I used to pray that someday somebody would come into my life who could hear how I feel about things and not run away screaming or think I'm stupid or find me terrifying -- somebody to understand.

If you feel like saying me, too -- go ahead.

You're not alone.

Wasn't I supposed to go through the aimless, I-have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life phase back in high school?

I wish we all were legally blind.

That, like some do at night, we could all remove our glasses and contact lenses and could finally see things how they really are.

I stare at myself in the mirror with contacts and glasses both in their respective cases, and wonder if I got it wrong.

Maybe my eyes ARE brown.
Maybe my lips are nice.
Maybe my hair is lovely.
Maybe my body isn't so bad.
Maybe my teeth are just quirky and whimsical, like my soul.

Maybe the plastic lies, the lenses fib.
Maybe the glass is a fake, a fraud.

Maybe I'm breathtaking after all.

Maybe 20-20 isn't all it takes.

10 YEARS AGO I WAS...
- nine.
- in fifth grade.
- immature.
- living in Glen Burnie.
- best friends with Ashley and Amy.

5 YEARS AGO I WAS...
- fourteen.
- a sophomore in high school.
- just getting into ROL/the whole Josh thing.
- excited about life.
- best friends with Beth and Tiff.

1 YEAR AGO I WAS...
- eighteen.
- an official adult.
- in college.
- getting my license.
- best friends with Danika.

YESTERDAY I...
- hung out with Danika, who was home from college for Fall Break.
- took pictures of Danika & I, and of the trees and leaves because of the gray-sky gorgeousness.
- watched Pushing Daisies, because Danika needed to be introduced (plus any excuse to watch that show is a good excuse).
- freaked out about stupid iTunes that won't let me sync my old library back into it.
- decided to reorganize my music & didn't get very far.

5 SNACKS I ENJOY:
- french fries [= love].
- Cooler Ranch Doritos.
- pretzels.
- chocolate chip cookies.
- lime chips.

5 RANDOM SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO:
- "hamburg song" by keane.
- "i know i know i know" by tegan & sara.
- "somebody told me" by the killers.
- basically the whole Viva La Vida album by coldplay.
- "good enough" by evanescence.

5 THINGS I WOULD DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS:
- save/invest a portion of it.
- pay off my parents' & grandparents' bills.
- buy a new car.
- claim our piece of land & build the abused women/unwanted children shelters on it.
- be a little frivolous - new camera, and other random stuff.

5 PLACES I WOULD RUN AWAY TO:
- Florida, to see my Slapps.
- Indiana, to see Danika.
- Forks, Washington.
- that huge field of sunflowers we always drive past.
- Walmart, because it's fun, and Natalie Portman showed me that you can live there if you're smart about it.

5 THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR:
- pretty much anything that shows cleavage.
- Stilettos.
- a bikini (trust me - nobody wants to see that mess).
- shorts or a skirt that would ride up my cheeks.
- those stupid peep-toe heels or flats. ugh.

5 FAVORITE TV SHOWS:
- Pushing Daisies.
- Gilmore Girls.
- The Bonnie Hunt Show.
- King of Queens.
- Everybody Loves Raymond.

5 BAD HABITS:
- my outward reactions to things being completely different from what I'm actually feeling.
- being irritable and mean for no good reason.
- eating too much.
- swearing.
- buying things I don't need.
(I see a New Year's Resolution list... do you?)

5 BIGGEST JOYS:
- reading.
- my family.
- music.
- Pushing Daisies. x]
- my job.

5 FAVORITE TOYS:
- my 80GB iPod.
- my Dell laptop (yeah, I'm a PC).
- my Nintendo DS.
- Rock Band (because it pwns).
- TiVo.

5 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WOULD DATE:

- Ned, the pie-maker, from Pushing Daisies.


- Edward Cullen from the Twilight books.
(yes, I'm one of those girls.)


- Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls.


- Pretty much any male lead in Ted Dekker's novels, Jan Jovic (from When Heaven Weeps) or Seth Border from (Blink) especially.

- Annnd Obi-Wan Kenobi. Because... he doesn't have the angsty-bad-boy thing going for him like Anakin does, but he definitely isn't as much of a needy baby.

5 PEOPLE I TAG TO DO THIS:
Five people who read this thing & care enough to do it. :]
If you do, comment me! I just want to see if it was any fun. <3