Today I went to the orthodontist. It was glorious, as usual. I lie at an awkward angle while people push my lips up to my nose and inspect my teeth, gloves squeaking as they go. They were ecstatic, as was I, that my final, long-awaited tooth had finally graced us with its shiny ivory presence. I finally have all my brackets now, but that process was amazing in its attractiveness...

That's essentially what it looked like from their view... only the plastic was bigger and offwhite with some sort of attachment piece. And I had to bite down on a plastic tube.

So, I'm lying there with this thing pulling on my face skin. And you have to lie still with your tongue down while they attach the brackets. "Just five minutes like this, sweetie," said the nurse. She made a comment about how patient I always was, and how she loved working with me because of it. I wanted to laugh and tell her that I was swearing like a sailor in my mind, and trying very hard not to drool and/or swallow my own tongue.

Instead, I tried to smile, but that just made me aware of the saliva gathering around the plastic that I was trying everything to avoid. I'm not kidding -- I tried counting (which didn't work because I lost interest and started thinking about other things which all came back to the spit collecting in my cheeks), focusing on the lyrics of the song that was playing on the radio (I can't even remember what it was now), crossing my feet, squeezing my hands together... A small part of my brain triggered the morbid desire to take a picture of myself with my phone, just to see what I looked like... but really, the rest of my mind really didn't want to know.

When she finally freed my mouth from its cream-colored plastic prison, and told me I could go rinse or brush my teeth, I made a loud sound of disgust and she laughed. "I know," she smiled. I tried to walk slowly to their communal sink, for dignity's sake, but in my heart I was running as fast as my short, fat legs would take me. I tore open one of the disposable toothbrushes and put paste on it and vigorously removed the disgusting taste of my own empty-stomach-breath mixed with braces cement and plastic from my mouth and rinsed really well, inspecting everything beneath the tiny red-and-green circular bands holding it all together. Feeling the new brackets would take getting used to, and I knew already that I was looking forward to a lot of dull pain and probably some mouth sores in reaction to the fresh metal.

All in all, though, I'm just grateful for these horrid contraptions. I told the nurse, in response to her apologizing for something little that she had to do, "It's for a good cause."

I better have freaking awesome teeth after all this mess, though.

It'll be three years in April. Here's to hoping that I'll be done by then.

Today is pure, euphoric autumn.
The temperature won't dare reach sixty - being rebellious, it hovers just beneath at fifty-nine. The bright blue sky is full of giant, gray-white clouds, vying for my attention. I was dying for any excuse to wear my new ivory, cable-knit scarf and I did - it hung low, the fringe brushing my giddy knees. In my car, the chill was palpable with the windows eccentrically rolled all the way down. The Fire Theft sang "Heaven" as I breathed in deep.

Things are looking up.

I went into work today to order my sweatshirts, and I got this coming week's schedule. I was walking back into the glorious morning air, and I nearly froze in the crosswalk, smack in the middle of the diagonal lines left there for the conscientious who dare not jaywalk.

My breath caught in my throat.

I had done this - or rather, seen this - before.

My ivory scarf blowing restlessly in the breeze; my hands pale against the tan cordoroy of my purse; the red-black-and-silver blur of my dangling keys; the road - the parked cars; my red Beetle sitting in wait for my return; the sun; everything.

The night I was searching for employment - it had to have been when I dreamed it. I saw it, vividly. It was...humbling to realize.

Today I am reminded - in perfect, much-needed timing - of my significance, my place.

He sees me.
He sees me, and likes what He sees.

He wants to know all of me.
He wants me.

Oh, God, who am I?

I am Yours.
That will sustain.

He has been for a few days.
And he looks good. [For now, anyway.]
They still don't know what's wrong with him.
But he's doing well with medicine.

grandma said that his breathing is bad.
but they are still taking him in for a cath today, which i guess means he's stable enough for them to do that kind of procedure.
yet, he's been in the procedure for 6 hours. since 12:30, today.

i don't even know anymore.

he's dying.

the valve they replaced is great.
now the other three are leaking.

To all the farsighted
The sky's never been so clear
Hello to the hopeful
Goodbye to the full of fear
Glorious
Luminous

Chorus:
(The rockets are burning,
The dreamers are at full swing)
The heavens have painted
Have brushed you with angel wings
And you know in your heart
That the farsighted see better things

Hello you daydreamers
Hello to the in-between
Behold all you've wished for
Promising things unseen
Glorious
Luminous

Hello to the burnouts
The left out and left behind
For farsighted drifters
Matchless
One-of-a kind
Glorious
Luminous

Even after open-heart surgery to correct the valve problem by replacing it, Grandpa's chest is filling up with fluid again.

The doctor told Grandma that out of 6 of these surgeries he's overseen in the past 6 months, Grandpa is the only one who's had this setback.

I feel really drained of all hope this week.

I'm going to start out by saying that I am tired of my own stupidity.

I'm tired of always adding "...which, I shouldn't" to the end of any sentence talking about how I feel about something. How I feel is how I feel, and that is it. I don't have to act on said feelings, or make anyone miserable. But if someone asks how I'm feeling, I don't have to explain away or rationalize or degrade my emotions. As my best friend has asked me every time I've used that phrase, why shouldn't I feel that way?

In honor of today's surprising awesomeness, I post Five Iron Frenzy lyrics.
(because, really, they started my day out amazingly.)

Making young girls pine, I don't have the time
Babies get in line, I've got a protractor
Got a stapler now, it goes “Ka-ching"
gotta have the math club crown me king
gotta rock the screen with the cosine graphing
on my calculator.
If you're up and if you want
a piece of me
wave goodbye and blow a kiss
'Cause you can't handle this

[chorus]
No, No, No
you can't handle this.
No, No, No
you can't handle this.

Through my glasses glare you'll see savoir faire
beneath my icy stare, I've got a retainer
Maybe I'm the physics main event
maybe I'm the chem club president
maybe even Texas Instruments
thinks that I'm coplanar

If you're up and if you want
a piece of me
wave goodbye and blow a kiss
‘Cause you can't handle this

[chorus]

And Leonard Nimoy can't stand up to this
And Captain James T. Kirk
bows beneath my fists
And I am awesome... awesome!
I am the awesomest!

[chorus]

I have too much to be thankful for to keep moping. Yes, I'm incomplete, my heart isn't whole, things are still pretty broken. So what? Que sera, sera. I have to stop angsting and just live for a change. I don't mean that in the whole, I'm gonna do whatever feels good, baby. sense of the phrase. I mean... I have to stop staring at the gaping hole in my chest and work on turning my attentions outward. Maybe if I loved other people more than I loved myself, my life wouldn't seem so bad. I guess when you start asking "YEAH, BUT WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?" you realize that your priorities have probably slipped. I want to grow up, and be strong, and find my own way, but I don't want to shove people aside in the process.

I spent the last of my other paycheck on The Force Unleashed for Xbox 360, and while I bought it for my brother, let's face it -- it was just as much for me to sit and watch as it was for him to play. I don't know why I'm putting this in this entry, other than the fact that I felt better making an effort with Ben than just pushing him away like I tend to do with the people I love when I'm being introspective.

[nerd rant] Oh, and P.S.? The entire storyline is ruined by that game. And while the new Clone Wars movie was pure fun, it was strange that they chose to give Anakin a Padawan when that's never been part of the deal... Hello?! Does the almighty George Lucas want to ruin all chance of continuity in the story? Or are his godlike creative liberties going to take a toll on the saga? We'll see. I know he's brilliant, especially with marketing... but I just hope he isn't slipping. (Or hitting the sauce, as I told Danika in yesterday's passionate anti-Force moment of blathering.)

[/nerd rant]

Today was my second interview with Giant, and it was a success! Go ahead and laugh, kids, but I have my name tag and polos and I am going to be a Tree House associate, which means I'm watching other people's children! Yes! I am totally excited. And yes, I realize that some children are impossible to babysit and should be kept on leashes... however, if I do become a teacher (as I've been leaning toward as of late), it will be good practice to deal with children that aren't related to me in any way, shape or form. (Until my five-year-old cousin Karrington comes in while my aunt and uncle grocery shop, because it's like her favorite place. But you know what I mean.)

I feel chatty today.
Hence the long entry.

I just had an entire entry posted, and Internet Explorer died.

GUH.

i hate this.