Today was, to steal a word from my best friend, buhmazing.
I got up early even though I didn't have my first class, rode with my mom to take the kids to school, had Dunkin Donuts coffee & a sandwich for breakast, had amazing fun in my LAST Honors English class, had even MORE fun in my LAST World Music class -- we freaking danced like weirdos. It was so fun. Wow.
Now I'm off to Grandma's with the fam.
Over the river and through the woods,
Dani
psalm 30:4-5 [msg]
All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.
Jesus, I am so ready for the days of laughter!
ephesians 5:8-14 [niv]
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
Hello, sleepyhead.
Time to pick up the sword.
Don't forget your shield.
Heck, put all the armor back on.
You've been in this hospital bed for far too long.
isaiah 43:2; [msg]
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
This week has been good. I won't lie. For the most part, I've had a good week.
But there have been these moments of gut-wrenching loneliness and ache that just kill me inside. And I'm not fond of exposing those moments, despite prior belief. The only reason this post is public is because I want to know if anybody else felt like that this week. It just HURTS and I can't explain why.
I know God is there.
I've spent more time with him this past week than I have in months.
It's just... this ugly feeling in my chest.
Something I have always wanted to learn how to do...
is dance.
I can feel the music, but I can't do anything about it...
It just looks awkward and very nerdy.
Any suggestions?
x]
...I'm listening to Between the Trees, thanks to one of the three mixes Danika made me while I stayed at her house this weekend. Wow, I had so much fun. It was random fun, though. Thursday night we watched the American Idol results show and SCREAMED LIKE FREAKS when we saw/heard David Cook. Haha... Daniel was like, "If I took video of this and put it on YouTube, it would be pretty embarrassing." But we didn't care. 
On Friday I went to school with her for the freakin' sweet leadership conference and met some pretty cool kids and made an awesome collage. And then the next day [Saturday] we got up early (too early, haha Carley) and went to Starbucks and then to Danika's play practice, and I ended up filling in for two missing characters. It was good times, to say the least. That wasn't all we did... In between and after schooltimes, we cut/tore stuff out of magazines, watched The Ten Commandments (OH BABY!... "So, she wants her brother? I'm sorry, I know it's Bible times and all that, but that's sick. I mean, they aren't technically related, but she doesn't know that. Oh well, I know that, and I will keep reminding myself that they aren't related.") and Star Wars (the original - Episode IV: A New Hope - on Spike TV, yessss), went to the mall so I could finally meet Hannah where we proceeded to smell every product we could get our hands on, ate lime chips, and listened to David Cook and Paramore and Anberlin and The Killers in the car while taking amazing and scary pictures on the way to Westminster.
I love my life. It may not seem like much to most people, but to me, it is just right. Sure there are things I'm still looking forward to, things that I am currently lacking. But God knows what He is doing and exactly where He wants me. Right now, it's here, in exactly this spot, and I can live with that. God is good to me, even when I don't understand His reasoning.
Even when my heart is heavy,
my guts are content and trust in Him.
So I did Googlisms with my name instead.
The rule is, if I do it, you have to go do it
& then comment me with your favorites.
Okay, so that's not really the rule,
but it would be funnnn.
I'd like to see how many people
will take the 2 seconds and respond. xD
dani is a nutcase
dani is in love w/alf
dani is a skilled fencer taught by the finest fencers in the tapani sector
dani is probably what dawson's creek would be if it was directed by almodovar
dani is so amazing
dani is the champion free throw shooter shooting exactly 80% making 80 free throws out of 100
dani is a loveable 24" artist porcelain doll
dani is a peaceful young badger who likes to play with the other kids in the woods
dani is the most comon and widely spread language for humans
dani is a simple movie with a simple story only made complex by the insecurities and complexities of adolescence
dani is fresh without being overly titillating
dani is bloody gorgeous
dani is a shy wannabe novelist
dani is our beautiful red tri lady who has wonderfully strong herding instincts
dani is a professional tour guide
dani is an organizational consultant and emeritus professor of anthropology
dani is that rarest of creatures
dani is getting everyone else to do her dirty work for her
dani is student teaching a 1/2 class in boston
dani is a wonderful tool for the family's outings!!
YOUR TURN.
(But it's also for you, whoever is reading, if you need it. It's not an exclusive club or anything. 
)
I know you don't want a hug or a pat on the back, or -shudder- a look of love mixed with pity. I know, because, that's exactly how I feel most days. I don't want to hear "Everything's going to be okay, just grin and bear it and you'll get through" because that just isn't enough. It isn't enough when you're trying to live raw and real to hear those placating words spoken in well-meaning but sometimes condescending tones. I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm just stating the facts.
Sometimes it isn't just "Where are you, God?" - that's not even the half of it.
Sometimes, it's more like, "God, why are you behaving like an abusive, cold-hearted sadist?"
Some days I look in the mirror and I just want to spit. I just want to berate myself.
...god, you're stupid.
You really don't get it, do you?
People aren't going to change.
And neither are you.
You're just always going to be the "good one", aren't you?
It's fun, isn't it? Being the good one?
It used to feel good when your head hit the pillow at night,
knowing that your conscience was clear and your hands were clean.
But you don't sleep anymore, do you?
They're always going to stab it.
Yeah, stupid, I mean your heart.
They're always going to take it, and pretend to love it and care for it, and then...
And then one day, they're going to laugh at it.
And out of their mouth is going to spill acid.
And knives. And bullets. And lies and injustice and jealousy.
And it's all gonna rain down on the heart you gave wholly
- and FREELY, I might add - to them in the first place.
You are ridiculous.
You're the joke.
Not them. YOU are the joke.
See, they'll make it out alive because they're looking out for number one.
But you? You're always gonna get screwed, aren't you?
Stupid.
The supposed wise man of the Bible - the Message translation calls him The Quester - looked at this life, and he spit on it. I have to post it all, because his words are so relevant. Two thousand years and nothing has changed?
1 These are the words of the Quester, David's son and king in Jerusalem.
2-11 Smoke, nothing but smoke. [That's what the Quester says.]
There's nothing to anything—it's all smoke.
What's there to show for a lifetime of work,
a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone?
One generation goes its way, the next one arrives,
but nothing changes—it's business as usual for old planet earth.
The sun comes up and the sun goes down,
then does it again, and again—the same old round.
The wind blows south, the wind blows north.
Around and around and around it blows,
blowing this way, then that—the whirling, erratic wind.
All the rivers flow into the sea,
but the sea never fills up.
The rivers keep flowing to the same old place,
and then start all over and do it again.
Everything's boring, utterly boring—
no one can find any meaning in it.
Boring to the eye,
boring to the ear.
What was will be again,
what happened will happen again.
There's nothing new on this earth.
Year after year it's the same old thing.
Does someone call out, "Hey, this is new"?
Don't get excited—it's the same old story.
Nobody remembers what happened yesterday.
And the things that will happen tomorrow?
Nobody'll remember them either.
Don't count on being remembered.
12-14 Call me "the Quester." I've been king over Israel in Jerusalem. I looked most carefully into everything, searched out all that is done on this earth. And let me tell you, there's not much to write home about. God hasn't made it easy for us. I've seen it all and it's nothing but smoke—smoke, and spitting into the wind.
15 Life's a corkscrew that can't be straightened,
A minus that won't add up.
16-17 I said to myself, "I know more and I'm wiser than anyone before me in Jerusalem. I've stockpiled wisdom and knowledge." What I've finally concluded is that so-called wisdom and knowledge are mindless and witless—nothing but spitting into the wind.
18 Much learning earns you much trouble.
The more you know, the more you hurt.
Incredible. So here's Solomon, right? And all He asks from God is wisdom. [See 1 Kings 3 if you want the skinny I'm not pasting all that, too. 
] We all know he could've asked for friggin' anything because he was David--THE DAVID--'s son, and God was like, hey, kid, I like you.
So what does he do?
The kid asks for wisdom. He wants to understand.
The American Heritage Dictionary says that wisdom is "the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight".
Insight. Solomon tells God that he wants to get it.
So, God's like, good answer. I'll give it to you.
And Solomon gets what he wants.
And after years and years of gaining wisdom, he looks in the mirror and spits.
(Spits into the wind, I should say. Maybe he's looking in a rear-view?
Or he passes a fountain in the palace yard?)
Even though he knows it all... it still makes no sense.
Even though God said, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be" [1 Kings 3:11-12 - NIV], Solomon was still thinking... What?
Man.
I don't get it.
Is this what being crucified with Christ feels like?
I always thought it was sort of metaphorical.
Like... we're right there with Him and all, but...
But?
Paul said in Galatians 2, "For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing."
So what... do I disregard the fact that I was supposed to die that day instead?
Do I disregard that I should've been the one so marred that you couldn't even tell I was human?
Do I forget that I should've been the one dragging that beam up the hill, nothing (physically) but a walking bloody pulp and almost-dead?
Do I disregard that it should've been my wrists, and my feet?
Do I leave out the part where it should've been all of my blood on the ground?
Of course I have. I do it every day. I leave out the inconvenient stuff. Otherwise I wouldn't feel so frustrated.
That is why I want to spit on myself. I feel so important, and so special,
but
I'm never, ever going to be worthy of His blood.
No matter how much good I do.
No matter how high the road I take.
No matter how many times I hold my tongue.
No matter how many times I keep the peace.
No matter how many times I give and everyone else just takes.
No matter how many drugs I haven't done or won't do.
No matter how many men I haven't slept with.
No matter how many drunken nights I haven't spent.
No matter how much money I lend.
No matter how many times my name is slandered for His.
No matter how many people leave me behind because of where I stand.
And you know what? That isn't sick. That isn't self-deprecating. That's just the cold, ugly truth.
I don't know where I was going with this. I started out baring my soul and kind of got a different side of the story.
It's human, though, to want to know what He's up to.
I mean, it's controlling, but it's human.
And if someone says they've never, ever thought
"What the hell, God?"
-- or some variation of that sentiment --they are lying.
Nothing but lying, f'd-up, Joel Osteen-spoon-fed liars.
(Yeah, that's right, I went there.)
And you know what else?
I feel like I'm dying -- I mean DYING, heart and soul just cracked and bleeding and gasping
-- to fall in love and hold nothing back from God.
The little bits we get from Him, the glimpses and the moments...
It will never be enough because we aren't home yet.
IT ISN'T ENOUGH, because for right now, we're wading in the dirty little tidal pools.
WE HAVEN'T MADE IT OUT TO SEA YET.
The endless sea, the place where we'll drown in His holiness and finally feel whole.
God, please take me home soon.
It really sucks here.
Heston was elected president of the National Rifle Association in 1998. He would hold the position until 2003. "America doesn't trust you with our 21-year-old daughters, and we sure, Lord, don't trust you with our guns," he said to President Bill Clinton as he took on the NRA title.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080406/ap_on_en_mo/obit_heston
Read it.
I wrote this to my friend Molly. It's kind of a jumble of my thoughts lately.
I was reading Hosea the other day (haha, amazing, she still reads her Bible sometimes... ;] 
) and I think maybe that's what God is doing with me. You know where He talks about Hosea leading his cheating whore of a wife (read it! haha) into the desert where they met and romancing her again... I think maybe I kind of pushed Him away until I ended up in the desert and I'm sitting there and I'm starving and dying of thirst and in this tiny voice I'm like, "okay God, I miss you and I need you." And He's right there. And He just kind of grins and says, "I know. And I never left."
I hate altar calls. Especially the "if this is you, raise your hand, or come up front" kind of altar call. It makes non-Christians (and even Christians like myself) feel uncomfortable, like they're not holy enough if they don't go to the altar. There are some things that just stick with you...
When I was in 9th grade, I tried out a different youth group. And everything was going pretty well for a while. But then the spirit started moving - a totally great thing - and people started getting haughty. Then one night the worship lead to a couple of kids speaking in tongues, and the whole "RUN UP HERE IF YOU WANT TO BE BAPTIZED IN THE HOLY GHOST!!!" speech.
I sat down. I wasn't ready. I wasn't cool with speaking in tongues yet (it kind of freaked me out, even though I'd been in church my whole life... it was kind of like I had seen it done fakely so many times I didn't want to see it at all) and I didn't want to be forced into it. Only a handful of kids were seated, the rest ran up to be part of the huge group that was getting "baptized"... and the pastor took the mike and said "You guys, the ones sitting over here, you are unclean."
I don't remember ANYTHING ELSE about that night. Just the fact that he told me & the other kids sitting down that we were UNCLEAN because we didn't run up front to speak in tongues. (Maybe that's my own negativity... but it stuck with me just the same.)
Sometimes I think we get really zealous, and we don't realize that we're hurting rather than helping. I think it's important to see where someone is coming from, without doing what they do... which is hard. Idk. Maybe that's why I'm having this dry spell, maybe I'm getting a glimpse through the eyes of somebody who doesn't know Jesus... or better yet, someone who did and isn't sure they want to anymore, or has been hurt by the church. I don't think I'm called to missions. I think I'm called to help those who have been burned and scarred by churches or pastors or church people to come back to Christ and understand that He isn't the church, and the church isn't Him.
I'm trying to understand where I fit. Or at least, where I'm going to fit temporarily. I'm still the square trying to fit into the circle, but I want to be a square with a purpose and an idea of where I'm going.
EDIT;
if you don't watch American Idol, don't click this.
but if you do, and you like David Cook at all... man oh man. you must see!
Recent Comments