Hello, xangaloves!

So first off, I have to brag on the dear girl whom I consider my older sister, just a little bit. This incredible woman is moving to UGANDA next year. I knew it was going to happen, because I know her and the God we both serve, but I am seriously blown away. I am completely in awe of what God is doing through her - what she is open to and allowing Him to do. And just how much she LOVES - she has helped me remember that there are indeed people who claim Christ as their savior who aren't just doing that to keep themselves out of hell. She sincerely loves, and cares about those around her, and I seriously want to be just like her when I grow up.

In other news, this has been one crazy week. Monday, I got coffee with Klare, then I got back home to find out that our loan mod thing didn't go through - which, long story short, means if it doesn't go through the second time we apply, we probably have to move. Heh.

I hung out with my friend Dan, and my little sister; we played video games and were generally cool before going to Graduation at my high school... man, it was so weird. To see these kids who used to sit at my lunch table all grown up, getting ready to go out into the world -- whatever that means. I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers. I feel sort of bewildered by it all. My baby brother is officially a senior (or, will be when school is back in), my little sister is going into eighth grade... I don't know what to think.

We got to graduation late, as the seniors were lining up, so we had to sit in the way back, and I didn't get to see Tiff like I planned on doing, nor did I get to sit with her & Klare. I was very flustered; I hate being late. The strangest part of the night, though, was that in the middle of the super-boring speech, my best friend texted me that her dog was dying and they were rushing her to a pet emergency room. So, I am upset. Then she texts me that she is gone, then that they had a heartbeat... and then my cell phone battery died. And I wanted to scream. Abbi and I got into the lobby and gave hugs to the kids we were closest to, then tried to escape the chaos... well, Dan caught us leaving, and I got an unwanted hug. It was just a weird night all around. So when I got home and got my phone charged, I found out that Danika's dog was dead. And I'm just thinking about all this loss. And I'm sitting on my floor bawling because I am completely overwhelmed.

And then I decided I was driving the forty-five minutes to her house to be with her during this ugly time, because I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if my Mac were gone. And I don't know. I just feel like, that's what friends do for each other. Sooo, I packed my car, went and got gas at 11:40 at night with two cops at the gas station -- feeling like such a rebel, and ran upstairs to tell my parents I was leaving. My mom already knew, but my dad didn't, and he looked at the clock and said, "At midnight?" I just grinned and said "yep." And ran out the door.

You don't understand how huge of a deal that was. To tell my parents I was doing something, instead of asking. And I jumped in my car in what was, essentially, the middle of the night, and just drove to Mt. Airy - which I haven't done in like, a year. And I spent the night at her house, and we hung out, and I was there for the little memorial service they did for Chelsea. It was really sad.

Then we went and saw Shrek Forever After in 3D, and got caught going to McDonald's in secret AGAIN. (Every time I'm at her house, we sneak and go to McDonald's [her mom is a healthy eater, and I am just not. ha] and we ALWAYS get caught. Always. The one time, we were coming out of the drive thru, and her mother was in her car across the street.) It ended up being a really fun time, but it was strange circumstances.

So the next morning - Wednesday morning - my friend Ashley, whom I haven't seen since my fourteenth birthday when we first moved into this house, was coming over. So she gets here at like, 10:30 AM and we give awkward hugs and then come upstairs because my mom is yelling for us... and the Backstreet Boys (who are all in their late thirties now) are on the Bonnie Hunt Show, performing "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" live. The timing could not have been more perfect. We laughed about it for the rest of the day. It ended up being an amazing time, talking until 4 in the morning and feeling as comfortable as possible since it's been over six years since you've seen the person... It felt nice to just DO something, instead of worrying about the awkwardness.

She went home Thursday, and then Friday I babysat... a controversy in itself. My mom wants me to quit because I asked the lady I babysit for to allow me to make a few extra dollars this past time around because I'm going on my trip with Danika... but she told me no, because they're 'recovering from their trip to (Aspen) Colorado' -- yet I was babysitting for the sole purpose of her driving over an hour away to get an organic haircut (wtf, anyway) and dye job. Mom knows that the lady I babysit for is completely loaded, and she's paying me less than the going rate for a babysitter... but, it's money I wouldn't have otherwise, so, I do appreciate it. And, I like her kids. And, I like her too, even if she is one of those super-nice church ladies who probably talks about you behind your back. It doesn't matter. She's nice to my face, so I am nice to her. Ha. I don't know. I don't want to accept less than what I deserve, but I don't want to be demanding and entitled, either. It's complicated!

Then YESTERDAY we all drove like, two or three hours away to my aunt's house for my cousin Andrew's graduation party... good grief, this is why I feel so old. These kids that I sat under our grandmother's dining room table telling ghost stories with are growing up and graduating and going to college... and I just feel older and more like a waste product. Haha. Whatever. It was awesome to see everyone, and eat good food, and walk down to the pier/beach with my cousin Alicia and catch up with her... and take silly pictures and laugh about everything with all of our tipsy family members... granted, my parents don't drink, so my dad just does stand-up and all of our relatives laugh until they cry because they are just feelin' so good. Haha. Our 'druncle' Greg is the most fun. He talked to me for like, five straight minutes about my red hair, and how he's 'diggin' it' and 'saw it on Facebook'. ...Sometimes it creeps me out that my family has Facebook pages. But if you just let him talk, it's all good. Ha.

Today my cousin Elle (who turned fifteen yesterday -- holy crap), my sister Abbi and I are going to see Robin Hood, and then we're all headed back to Elle's house for a little birthday dinner thing. Then TOMORROW my best friend is coming and staying for like three days. I have never been this busy!! It feels really good, though. The only thing I have to worry about is money... but I haven't been letting myself worry about it. I still have SOME, and for some reason, God always provides just in time. A babysitting job, a photography job, a job that my dad needs an extra set of hands for... yes, He takes care of me. And I am trusting Him.

Sometimes it's just really hard to let go, and trust God enough to just let Him be Himself.

so this won't meant as much to you as it does me. but i have to write it down because today has just been so intensely good that i need it recorded. for the days that are on the opposite end of the spectrum, so i can remember that GREAT days still happen to me. i am not lost. i am not forsaken. and, i can still find joy in little victories.

First off, some information about myself. I am unemployed. I do odd jobs: I babysit, I work with my dad when he has jobs I can help him with, I pet-sit on occasion. (*SIDENOTE* Which I was going to be doing - house-sitting and dog-sitting, that is - for my grandmother this week, but my grandfather got the stomach flu, so they ended up not going on their trip. and she gave me the money she was going to pay me anyway, just because i was willing to help her. i almost cried. ha. you don't know my relationship with my grandmother, and you probably don't WANT to, but let's just say, it meant a lot to me.)

ANYWAY. Basically, I'm short on cash. And I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Part of me wants to go to college (everyone tells me I had the grades in community college and high school to get the scholarships I need to not get out any student loans... but who knows.), part of me wants to become a teacher's aide, part of me wants to be a secluded-EmilyDickinson-style novelist, and part of me wants to buy a piece of crap van and travel the country to become a musician - even though I can't read or write music, I have a huge voice. And it's a pretty good one, too. Without being haughty, I'll just say I can carry a tune.

More information? Yeah, whether you want it or not, here goes... Ever since the ugly August I turned 16, I'm fearful of everything. I'm not exaggerating. I hate driving places that are more than fifteen minutes from my house. I struggle with depression and anxiety every day. It holds me back from LIVING.

But! I'm hoping that is going to change. I'm turning 21 in a couple months, and I'm determined to do some major living this summer. Being ALIVE. Experiencing.

And on that note, I am going on a road trip with my best friend in the entire world -- which is something we've dreamed of doing for YEARS -- to Indiana, so I can tour her college campus, meet her friends, and we can generally be awesome together. Plus, I seriously need a change of scenery. But what does a road trip need to function... MONEY. That's right, kids. Cold hard cash. Gas is not free, in case you haven't noticed. (And if it is for you, you probably have a ski-mask tan. Sucks to be you.)

SO, last night, I agreed to drive over an hour away to my aunt's house to help her clean out her garage.

To be frank, the main motivation was that she offered me money.

And I got up this morning, and, wouldn't you know it...? hello, monthly gift! nice to see you again.

And this is 8 o'clock. I don't get up at eight on a Saturday. I just don't do it. I stay up all night, and then sleep in until my siblings run in my room and jump on me because it's after noon. (Can I help it that I have a window that looks like two 8x10's stuck together? It's a basement, I have no idea what time it is.) Besides... I'm a nightowl. Nocturnal to the core. Most of my best inspiration comes in the wee hours. It's just how I'm wired.

So I'm already like. Screw this, I am going back to bed.

But I promised my sister that I would take her to the 1-dollar-flip-flops sale at Old Navy this morning, before we went to help our aunt. Which is a half-hour from my house. And I don't drive there, either, like, ever.

But I did it. I got up, I took some pain meds, I got a shower. I trudged on. I rolled the windows down, blared music, and took my sister shopping. We scored four pairs of flip-flops each, and two pairs for our mom, for ten bucks. It just doesn't get better than that. Serious.

THEN, we turned on the GPS and drove on the highway (guys, I live in a teeny, back-roads hicktown; three-lane highways make me want to cry with pure stress). With the windows down, again, of course. And Sean Kingston and Rihanna and all kinds of other good stuff blaring. Dancing, and making the people in the cars next to us crack up laughing. (I live for that. Really, I do. I do it at stoplights just to make people's day. Or at least, I like to imagine it does.)

Got to my aunt's. Saw her garage. And let me tell you what. It was a freaking DISASTER. Stuff was everywhere. You couldn't even walk. My first thought was "holyyy... I am going home." But then I thought, 'nope. I'm here. I'm in with both feet. Let's do this.' So I went into boss mode, and five and a half hours, tons of boxes, trash bags, cat piss, Anberlin and laughter later, you could walk. Bins were lined up neatly, the floor was swept, and it was all ready for my aunt to do the nitpicky organization on her own. It was a beautiful accomplishment, despite my limbs feeling like gelatin.

I was rewarded for my dedication with Chick-fil-a (which, seriously, if you want me to love you forever, just take me to or bring me some Chick-fil-a. it is my FAVORITE and there isn't one near me.), bingo scratch-offs (which my aunt is famous for giving out at any occasion), and money. I gave my sister more than I was supposed to because she worked really hard and she's twelve and can't get a job yet (even though she wants to). Then, I drove home in the rain (eek!) with my sister asleep and not helping me navigate, and I didn't feel like my heart was going to explode.

Then I came home and checked my facebook and xanga (hi guys!), and people had commented on something that i wrote that meant a LOT to me. and it was just like, the icing on the cake. I love when people care enough to take the time to write something about something I've written. It makes me feel like I'm being heard. (so, thank you! ♥)

Today was just, made of win. And I had to share it.

Now I'm pretty hyper, even though my limbs are still pretty Jello-tastic, so I'm probably going to play some Left 4 Dead like the crazy addict I am. 

I may start updating this thing more often... God help you all.

If you’re reading this,
I love you.
It doesn’t matter what that word means in context, coming from me, to you.
Even if I don’t know you all that well.

(In fact, if you’re reading this, I’d like to get to know you better.
…in a non-creepy way, of course. ha.)

I just love you. You matter to me.
I want you to understand that you are loved.
By me, yes.
But also by our Father in Heaven,
who created Love and understands its depths far more than I can comprehend.

It’s more than I’ll ever understand,
but I’ll give you what I’ve got.

I hope I haven't lost you yet.

I’m done with hiding inside of myself.
I’m done with keeping all of the love I’ve been given locked up tight.

These days, I am a mess, but I’m on the brink of something huge.
I’m having trouble making my emotions known, and sorting my thoughts.

Something I’ve always wanted is to earn my wrinkles.
I want them to be a badge of honor.
No preventative creams or plastic surgery for me.
More like, ‘fuck you, impossible standards of beauty.
I’m not ashamed of these lines in my skin. I’ve lived my life.’

Oh, God.
I want to live.

I want to feel everything I can possibly feel.
I want the sun, the sky, the ground – the soil.
I want love and joy, life and death, chaos and peace, insanity and despair.
But mostly, love.

I want to be a new kind of selfish, a new brand of young and stupid: I want to love without abandon, without fear of disappointment or rejection. I want things to bounce off of me – I don’t want to be crushed so easily. I want to forgive and forget, and see people for what I love inside of them. I want to make mistakes, and not lose my mind because I screw up. I want to have experiences – tons of them. Life experience.

I’m a dandelion seed. Did you know that? Fragile, but so resilient. I can grow anywhere. I’m the one still clinging to the root, long after grubby hands have plucked my fleshy green from life-giving soil and have tried their damnedest to blow the seeds all around.

I want to be real.
I want everything.

I want to sing, and for people to hear my voice – the one You gave me to use, not hide.

I want to write, and let others read my words – the ones You made me to be good with, to know how to assemble and create beauty.

I’m done apologizing.

I’m not sorry I exist.

I’m not sorry for failing by not trying.
I’m not sorry for my weakness, my frailty.
I’m not sorry for being so human.

I’m not sorry for being beyond broken, to the point that I’ve been shattered.

Father, I want my pieces back.
I demand them back!

Show me where I have to go to collect them.
And the ones that were lost to me forever (believe me, I know there are at least a few) – replace them.

I demand wholeness.
I demand life.

I’ve done empty, I’ve done scared.
I’ve done it for five years.
FIVE YEARS.

I’m not going to apologize.
I’ve wasted time.
I’ve grown some even from that.
I’ve fucked up.
I’ve been lazy and afraid.

I’m young. It’s what we do.

I want to be young.
I’m tired of feeling ancient, and feeble.

I am sick of fearing my potential.

It’s this beautiful, bright, daunting, untouchable thing.
I’m terrified of it.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but,
I have immense potential.

And I’m so scared to touch it.

I used to look in that box and be warmed to my feet.
Grounded in what You had for me,
my heart pounding with life for the future in store.
I used to believe in me, in You, in us.

I want need it back.
I have to believe.

I have to touch it.
I have to open that beautiful, scary box,
the one that’s haunted me for so long.

Otherwise, I will never be concrete.
I will never be tangible.

Step 1:  Put your music player on shuffle.

Step 2:  Post the first line (unless the first line reveals the song title) from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.

Step 3:  After someone correctly guesses both the artist and song title, put a line through it.

Step 4:  If you like the game, post your own.

(Note:  No googling them to find the answer...)

1. you've got your ball, you've got your chain tied to me tight - tie me up again.

2. well, my dog wears a path on the same line.

3. from the west to the east, i have flown to be near you.

4. the autumn leaves so dry and sweet, tell me everything is not broken.

5. all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go.

6. i don't care what you do, i'm getting out.

7. i can't make my own decisions, or make any with precision.

8. i was killed in a shopping cart, turned upside down and left for dead.

9. look at earth from outer space, everyone must find a place.

10. time, time, time, see what's become of me.

11. what's in your head? you gotta believe me somehow.

12. fools in love, are there any other kinds of lovers?

13. the world has turned and left me here, just where i was before you appeared.

14. and this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me.

15. i'm missing your bed, i never sleep.

16. if i were painter, i would paint a memory, if that's the only way for you to be with me.

17. don't tell your secret to anyone, because ideas are vulnerable.

18. you're a falling star, you're the getaway car.

19. love of mine, won't you lay by my side, and rest your weary eyes...?

20. angel wings spread over water worn wishes, guarding the dreams and the things left unsaid

21. i wanna talk tonight, i wanna talk tonight and talk tonight.

22. story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me.

23. eaten by your lover, don't you eat no friend of mine.

24. no one knows the hour, no one knows the day.

25. underground, i'm waiting, just below the crowded avenue.

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside Me.

I'm fighting with Him today.
I'm angry because my mother has been hurting,
and I'm angry because I've been hurting for years, too.

I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am;
so just tell Me today and take My hand.

I'm hiding inside of myself.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of struggling.
Go away, go away. I'm tired of You.

Please take My hand.
Please take My hand.

I still feel happy sometimes.
I'm not dead yet.
Most days, I'm hopeful for the future.
But what about right now?
I don't feel You, anymore.
Talk to me, please. Please?

Just say yes!
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind --
only Love

I miss You.
I miss waking up, and taking You in my lungs.
Feeling You in my veins; deep in my guts.
Walking with You guiding my steps.
Being strong because You were my strength.
When did I stop seeing You for who You are?

It's so simple, and you know it is.
(You know it is.)

Knowing it is doesn't make my heart feel it.
Knowing isn't moving in it.
I miss when You were my voice,
and Your love filled my heart and overflowed.
I miss the joy. The belonging.
You were everything.
Why did I run so far away in the wrong direction?
I'm afraid of You.
I don't want to answer to You.
Your way brings pain, and my way is numb.
It's quiet. Motionless. Cold. Empty as a tomb.
But God, is it so safe.

We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives.

Can I sing it back?
My voice might shake.
My throat may go dry.
I may let out a sour note.

You're the only way to me --
the path is clear.

I can't do this!
I can't go back there.
I can't be that Dani anymore.
She died that August.
She doesn't exist.
I don't know how to be her anymore.

What do I have to say to you?

Say whatever You want.
As long as You say it loud enough for me to hear,
for me to be positive it's Your voice.
I don't want to question.
I miss being sure.
Help me.
What do I do?

Just say yes!
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind,
only Love...

what band/artist/song/album can you NOT stop listening to right now?
even if there's more than one, do share.

my playlist needs updating.

i want my insides scraped. i want demolished.
i want to be who he wants me to be.
i want to experience everything He wants me to experience.
i want to feel again. i want to live.
i want to be the kind of person He created me to be.
i want His dreams planted in my heart -
and i want to chase them with reckless, helpless, unbridled abandon.

...you are old news.

"The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn’t, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there." - Monica Baldwin [thank you, notti_antiquata ]

i want to change this year.
i will be different.
everything is going to change.
even if it hurts, change is better than sitting still forever.

i don't want what i used to have;
i want better.

if that makes me selfish, so be it.
but i won't be lazy.
and i don't cry over what i've lost anymore.

it's gone. it's done.
that half of my book is closed.
it's time to tackle the next twenty years.

i want to look back then and know that i did all that i could.

i'm still young,
& frankly, i'm tired of acting dead.

hello, 2010.
twenty-ten.
two thousand ten.
whichever.
you & i are going to be great friends.
& you're going to be memorable--
scratch that; UNFORGETTABLE.
...even if it hurts.
even if it destroys me.

Today (well, yesterday, technically) was amazing. ha.

I took photos for one of my dear friends from high school, Tiff, of her & her husband's first Christmas together. They really didn't have any pictures together (they didn't make a big deal of the wedding, it was a little, quiet courthouse ceremony) so I took care of that problem. :] It was the most fun I've had creatively in a while.

(all pictures © flash! photography 2009.)

I hope this is a first step into something bigger.

I refuse to stay the sad little victim.

I am going to grow, this coming year.
& I think I'm even going to start now.

so here's to singing at the top of our lungs,
opening car doors to let the music spill out
(so we can two-step in the parking lot),
awful self-highlighted hair that's accidentally three different colors,
chasing puppies dressed up like Santa Claus,
and loving whoever is in still in our lives
like we never realized how amazing they were until today.

♥