I keep taking naps. Both days in a row, because of migraines. Probably my teeth. Maybe because I'm overweight and don't realize that I'm dying. Either way, I don't care.

Yesterday I found out that I'm losing my job as of July 30th. They're closing all of the Treehouses except for five, in the "Superstores". I can't believe it. I can, because they've been cutting our hours and trying to get us to do things in the main part of the store. But it's unfair. I called out the only day they tried to make me bag groceries for four hours. Hell no, I won't. Giant won't have me as an employee after this, after they board up my chance to touch the lives of and interact with kids, even in a small way. And, they lied to us and told us that the hours-cut was just a temporary thing because of the economy. Even though I knew better, the lying bastards won't have to worry about paying me anymore.

I have discovered the hard way that you never, ever ask God to get you out of a sinkhole.

Because, He takes you seriously.

In a small bit of worthless happy news, I got a new perfume today. I needed a new scent since my favorite one has been gone. I sprayed too much on earlier and made my head hurt worse. But, it is adorable, and smells nice and feminine:

I liked the Music, but my mom said it smelled like disinfectant. Wow. I smelled it harder and tried to agree with her, afraid that if I bought it and put a lot on I'd smell like we may as well have just plopped down cash for a cutesy bottle of Lysol.

I still kind of wish I'd gotten it.
But oh well. Regret seems to be the story of my life.

I officially have one month left of teenagedom today. On August 10, 2009, I'll be twenty years old.

It makes me want to act like a total idiot, and do everything stupid and impulsive I possibly can before becoming a twenty-something.

I won't, because I'm way too afraid not to look before I leap, but it really is a lovely thought.

Today is kind of a rant day. Well, usually when I blog, it's because I have something to say. Too bad it's not more often... Who knows, maybe that's appreciated by users of the world wide web. ;] I can't really speak for my small number of readers. You can thank my friend Ryan, whose Facebook message to me today prompted a response which prompted my gears to turn which prompted this blog entry.

ANYWAY!

First of all, I'm pissed about Transformers, though hardly surprised. My dad and Uncle Erik saw it, and Dad told me that it was nothing like the wonder that was the first one. He said it was plotless, and that Megan Fox and her skankiness was basically the focus. I can believe that -- sex sells, after all. Now, usually, I will take others' opinions into consideration (especially people I respect, and people who know me well), but see it for myself anyway. (Which is what I planned to do even though Ryan hated the film and told me it sucked -- I didn't care, because he didn't like the first one. Haha.) However, when it comes to sci-fi and nerdiness, my dad and I usually have similar tastes. While I am the Star Wars freak, he agrees with me on the originals vs. the prequels -- the prequels were a waste of life. (Although three was decent, one and two ruin the whole trilogy.) Anyway. The point is, I'm not going to see it. I personally am not a young male with no brain or morals, so I have no desire to see a sweaty, fake-tanned, nearly-naked Megan Fox having an orgasm for two hours. Sorry, Transformers. I used to like you.

Second of all, the other half of my family (my mom's best friend Heidi and dad's bff Erik, whom we call Aunt and Uncle because, well, they're honorary Lowmans, and that's what my family does) left to go back to Florida today, and I cried. Which made my teeth-caused headache worse. I don't know when we're going to get to see them next, so it's kind of depressing. Mom and Dad are talking about going when it's really cold here, and Aunt Heidi mentioned Thanksgiving... but as much as I love them, I like my Thanksgiving weather to be cold -- on the verge of snowing. I don't think I could handle the weirdness of being at the beach after eating the huge turkey dinner.

I don't know. We'll see.

If you saw it... What did you think of Transformers?
(Would you compare Megan Fox's "acting" to Jar Jar Binks, as my father did?
Or did you think it was totally worth seeing?)

edit;
I totally cried all during Michael Jackson's memorial, and cried even harder when his daughter spoke into the microphone about what a great Daddy he was.
Could I be any more of a wimp?

ALANIS MORISSETTE
"Incomplete"

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God

One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

I'm so full of thoughts, I don't know where to start.

I'm not yet twenty, and I'm already burnt out. Sick of American Christianity as a whole; I've witnessed the range from overly zealous to completely stoic, and both ends of the spectrum turn my stomach. I've closed my heart and mind to church in general. And Dad wants to try one we haven't before, tomorrow--er, later this morning.

The fact is, I'm weak, and I've been shattered to bits by the smallest of tragedies. Floored and flattened by having my eyes opened to the truth that some people are wolves in sheep's clothing, in an unfortunate but not entirely surprising way. I was neither molested nor physically or emotionally abused. My problems have really been small in comparison to the problems of others. And that's not self-pity, that's just honesty. If I listed what has broken my heart, I'm sure many readers would laugh. Or maybe even be disgusted. I won't open myself up for that, I'll just tell you that I'm sure you'd most likely have either reaction -- maybe even both.

I became a Christian when I was in kindergarten. I had always been mature, and being raised in a Christian home, it only made sense. I wasn't manipulated into the decision, despite what some probably believe -- I made it on my own. When I was that young, it was really a simple choice, and one I was proud to have made. When I was fifteen, my world exploded, and God became more real to me than He ever had been before. "Spiritual gifts" wasn't just something I heard about in Sunday school; I experienced them firsthand as a result of devotion and zeal to the One who I'd dedicated my life to. But then I turned sixteen. And got screwed over, in a big way. And since then, I've just been another crybaby who got burned by 'the church'. Effortless and useless, wandering and aimless.

But isn't that pathetic? What was my faith based on if it was yanked away, or buried under bitterness and frustration? What does that say about me? What kind of person am I?

Right now, I don't know what I am. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like. Right now it looks like pointless pursuits, random hobbies, and a part-time job that I actually sort of enjoy. I live at home still, which isn't so bad, considering I can't afford to live on my own quite yet. I'm very close with my family, so I don't mind it so much.

But at the heart of it, it's monotonous and lonely. Most people I used to know and care about I pushed away in the past three, almost four, years of wallowing. I used to be good at loving others, and caring about their lives, and making an effort... ehh, not so much anymore.

I don't know what the point of this entry is. I guess I'm tired of blurbish one-liners that cover up how lonely and aimless I really feel. I'm just sort of this gray blur who experiences moments of shallow happiness, and feels that happiness only when issues are not addressed and things that should change (but are not changing) are ignored. I sort of feel like... forget 'going into all the world' when I can't even keep my own head above water long enough to get my feet to stay on solid ground. I'm tired of always protecting myself even when I know I shouldn't. I'm tired of being lazy and selfish and despondent.

But I don't know what to do.

I'm struggling with self-worth, but also with self-image. The whole, being born with a craptastic metabolism and being too lazy to work to change how I look deal. Struggling with society and its double-standards. The hypocrisy of how your inner self is supposed to be most important... but guys are visual creatures, and won't get to know the inside if the outside doesn't appeal to them first.

And of course, the wonderful, glorious issue of romantic love. Feeling guilty because God should be enough, but wanting to fall in love anyway. Desiring to be desired. Knowing that all I'd probably bring to a relationship right now is a bunch of mess that I don't want someone else to have to clean up for me -- and still being unable to let the nagging want to leave me.

I'm just... kind of a mess at this point. Crying for a long time helped a little, but gave me a migraine and really sore eyes.

I am nearly at my 'spent' point.

i'm currently flipping through discarded magazines to cut words and phrases and pictures out of them, ones that catch my eye.

i saw an ad for moisturizer... or some sort of serum, i don't know. and the quote on the page was "Every morning, I fight age with everything I've got."

Why?

Why do we fight something that is supposed to happen? Something that happens naturally?

Yesterday was a very good day.

It involved way too much fun at work - including pausing Flushed Away and turning our heads and bodies ninety degrees to read the phony titles on the DVD shelf; way too much fun around town ("Dani, it's a CIRCLE. Not a square! Go back to kindergarten!"); way too much fun at home - Grease ("I gotta get me some of them pants."), X2 ("*sniff-sniff* I smell Hugh Jackman!" / "How can you say no to a man with claws?" "With what!?" "Claws!" "Oh, that's not what I heard."), and the AI finale that I refused to watch, that my mom got me to watch most of against my will; and way too much fun in general.

Sometimes it's just really good to be alive.

...with a movie

...with photography

...with these shows

...with the little things. colors, smells, sounds. i want to appreciate every day.

i'm actually getting excited for summer.

i was walking to my mother's convertible, feeling the storm-brewing breeze brush my hair against my face, and a bird caught my eye. i'm not sure why i was so enthralled with this particular little flier, but nonetheless, i was - just watching it pump its wings and glide across the sky above me. i know when i do those kind of things, i'm probably looked at like i'm crazy - probably by my own family. but it doesn't matter much to me anymore. we're all-consumed as a society with technology and subsequently ignore all of the tiny beauties around us every day.

i'm not feeling the greatest today [a headcold is making itself known; ugh], which tends to make me quiet, thoughtful, and less-than-sociable. i wanted very, very much to clean my room but got halfway through and found i just didn't have the energy. oh well; at least you can walk without tripping over things now.

i've discovered a love for videography recently, thanks to my dear friends in Kansas City, the initiators of randomchatterers; editing them has become an extremely interesting hobby for me, oddly enough. i guess it's just something else creative i could get my hands on. i've been using a free program but i'm considering buying the full version. windows movie maker is fun and has some neat effects but it's not as... ah, particular as i'd like it to be. anyway, i posted a couple over at amazingade, and they aren't amazing but they are entertaining. if you're bored, they're worth a peek for a laugh. ha.

well, here's a look at my spring so far...

(not sure why i called us that; Klare isn't a plant-controlling supervillian.)

 when i walked in the door, when i got home from work tonight, i heard a familiar song being played in my living room.

my mom and my brother learned Bella's Lullaby, just to surprise me with it.

i came in and watched mom's fingers hit the keys, and my brother's slide along the frets, and was fascinated by the sounds.

i asked her to play it again, so i could lie under the piano and hear it up close.

these are the moments.